The Grouch Potato On… Door-tiquette

All right, ya poofs.

I want to talk about something that’s been bothering me for far too long. People don’t know how to properly use doors anymore.

I know, I know, “how can you forget to use a door”, you say. “It’s just like riding a bike”, you say. Well you know what? No. People honestly don’t seem to know how to use a door, or at the very least, the decorum that accompanies proper door operation. It goes beyond politeness, it goes beyond chivalry, and it shows that people don’t know how to live amongst other people these days. Maybe it’s that new fad de-evolution I keep hearing about, all I know is that I don’t like it.

Is it so hard to hold open a door for someone? Maybe. Sometimes you may be running late and don’t have a minute or two to spare. I can understand that. Does that mean you should open the door just enough to slip through and not even toss a glance over your shoulder to see if anyone may be following close behind you who would benefit from your giving the door a final shove or push to stay open a millisecond longer? Of course not. It’s our not doing that which separates us from the beasts. You might say I’m a curmudgeon, and I may have lost a foot to gout and another to diabetes, but that doesn’t mean I’ve lost my sense of decency. I may not like you, but I’ll sure as hell hold the door for you. What’s your excuse?

And what about those folk who feel they are carrying so great a load that they cannot open a door themselves, resorting to pressing the handi-button? Does that button even have a name? I don’t think so, and I don’t think people who are juggling a latte and the day’s Metro have an excuse for their actions. Does the hectic pace of daily life tax one so greatly that they simply do not have the strength to open a door? Of course not. You’re just a lazy pile, and the baby Jesus cries each and every single time you do this. Sure, there can be exceptions to this, but I’m pretty sure the last legitimate usage of said assistance button I saw was in 1988. Perhaps the icon on the button should be changed to a man in a suit with a ponytail. It’ll be rebranded as the lazy-yuppie-who-is-above-grasping-door-handles-button. Patent Pending. To me, it’s just a sign that humanity as a whole is getting lazy. I mean, proper automatic doors are fine for grocery stores and places where employees may also be needing to bring pallets of goods in and out of the building, but when it’s meant to aid those who legitimately would have difficulty with conventional entryways, there’s no reason to me that can justify one who is without similar difficulties using the assist. Just open the goddamn door. Plus, those motors are usually quite slow, so opening would get your fast-paced, jet-setting life back on track sooner.

The last thing that really pisses me off is people’s migratory behaviour. Have you ever noticed that when a building or entry way has 7 or 8 doors, if one is open, a large majority of people vying for entry into said structure will likely attempt to all enter through the open door, despite there being 6 or 7 additional available entry points? I have. And it makes me sick. I’m not much of one for whimsy. I watched the Three Stooges once, and I didn’t like it. This kind of thing strikes me as being more of the same. Why do people do that? Is it coincidence? Is it some sort of inherent human behavioural trait, or are people just too goddamn lazy to open their own door, they surge toward whatever opening will allow them to exert the minimum force in exchange for the maximum amount of entry? I’m not a psychologist, I think that’s a pseudo-science anyway, but I think there’s something to these questions.

People, it’s like this – it’s a door. It’s a brutally simple machine, it’s not difficult to operate, and I think we need to have a talk about you and your fundoormentals. If you open it for people, they will open it for you. You’ll feel like a better person, you’ll look like a gallant squire, and it goes without saying, I’ll be happier. If I can do it, then so can you.